Wednesday, October 10

Nightmare?

Dreams.

Everybody dreams about different things. Sometime people just dream a recurrent theme or never dream.

My dreams are somewhat odd. It does have a recurrent theme and it bothers me. Why? Because I always dream the same thing that results me in having a knee-jerk reaction and wake up at 3am, checking to make sure I am still here in the bed.

What is it? What dream made me waking up scared?
Maybe that is linked to my phobia of bridges or tall buildings... yet it is not about the height that makes me petrified. I love roller coasters. I love flying. They defy heights.
But this phobia... is something different. It is not the height I am scared of. I am scared of falling to my death.

And this dream taunts and draws out my fear to its maximum.

Every time it is always the ground or foundation below my feet disintegrate and soon enough, nothing keeps me grounded... and my feet begin to sink into nothing... I am falling.

In this worn-out and creased dream, the sensations of falling are magnified. It happens so slowly that I can tell you in intricate details about it-- or at least how I come to realize that I am falling.

In this dream, I will either walk, stand, drive (the most odd one was when I was riding in the back of school bus when I begin to fall along with the bus floating).
All sudden it seems as if I was levitating-- but only for a minute.

The realization of me not levitating kicks in the second I feel the weight of my hair to be light-- it no longer weights down on my back... lighter, lighter... until they are completely sticking straight into the air above my head.

I could feel the puffs of air going under my shirt and balloon up my top as I fall.

I no longer stand upright, but rather falling backward... with my arms straighting out to grab something... alas there are nothing to grab because it is all black and air around me. I will just fall... fall... slowly... with each thought running by slowly... "Oh.... I am falling.... oh.... why?...."

I never see to an ending of my fall-- by this time, my knee-jerk reaction in reality shakes me awake-- my heart pumping like crazy and I notice I have stuck out my arms as well. I blink for the clarity to ensure that I am still in my bed next to an angry and yet sleepy husband who signed with fervor: "What matter?! stop kick me!" I stroke his head and then his back as he turns away from me in anger. Sighing, I try to soothe myself back to sleep-- the very same land where I keep falling.

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